Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey, could I have a quickie?"
She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.
The chicken and the egg are lying in bed. The chicken is real laid back, smiling, smoking a cigarette, but the egg is really upset. She mutters to herself, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question."
The Indians asked their Chief one autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the Chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be better prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be VERY cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my frontporch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
CENTER>Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!"
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yez, sir" says our attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving", says Tiger. "Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The Rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"